Falling Off the Horse

Hey there everybody.

It's been awhile. 11 weeks to be exact.

11 weeks. and in that time?

• 0 blogs written. 
• 0 books read.
• 0 miles run.
• 0 meters rowed.
• (nearly) 0 progress made on virtually all of my goals.

 

But it's not all bad news - in those past 11 weeks I've also:

• Been promoted to Senior BA
• Restarted my PMP class
• Been generally feeling like I'm kicking ass at work (other than the days when I feel like the work is kicking my ass)

In the spirit of embracing failure - I think it's only fair that I talk about how things got so out of hand so quickly. In reflecting on this I'm a little embarrassed to admit what the catalyst was - and that it was entirely predictable - with a decade or more of precedent to support it and absolutely no excuse as to why I have never engineered a method to overcome it.

I was left home alone.

I am a 31 year old husband and father - but when I am left home alone the wires in my brain revert to the way they were when I was a 23 year old bachelor.

I binge eat potato chips, chicken nuggets, and frozen pizzas. I drink too much Dr. Pepper. I stay up too late. I consume an endless torrent of video games. I watch multiple seasons of science fiction television and I ALWAYS somehow find time to watch all 11 and a half hours of the Lord of the Rings (extended editions obviously).

I don't do anything catastrophic/terrible/destructive. I go to work. I take showers. I feed the dogs. I clean up after myself. I don't become a rotten child - just a less mature adult.

I have historically referred to this behavior as entering "standby" mode. My wife would refer to it as being a "dumb boy" (which is probably a way more accurate description).

My last blog post was on January 16th. 
Tiff and Evie left to go on a trip to Chicago on January 17th and they returned January 20th. 

My core principle is supposed to be learning to help people build resilient systems - but my own internal operating system is so fragile that a predictable and known behavior brought the whole thing down in 3 days. 

 

In my defense - 

I could have/would have told you that those 3 days would likely be a wash.

I could not have told you that something would so easily sneak into that vacuum and overwrite my habit loop so quickly and effectively.

The offender?
Kingdom Come: Deliverance II

What. A. Game.

A rare video game that absolutely lives up to the hype. Mechanics that are challenging but satisfying. Decisions that can genuinely impact dialogue and outcomes of the game. Complex characters that grow and develop. I have played hundreds of games in my lifetime - this one easily rates in my top 10.

For those who are not familiar - the Kingdom Come series is set in 15th Century Bohemia. You play as Henry - the simple son of a blacksmith who gets caught up in the early events of the Bohemian Civil war. I won't spoil the game - but it is a remarkably rich story with compelling characters and satisfying game play. The first game was released in 2018 and the sequel (which picks up immediately after the events of the first game) was released in 2025. 

But this is not a blog about video games. 

I've tried to analyze why it was so easy for me to break - and I quickly came back to James Clear and Atomic Habits. 

According to James Clear there are 4 laws that create an effective habit.

Make it Obvious.
Make it Attractive.
Make it Easy.
Make it Satisfying.

Lets run it head to head.

Laws	Exercising	Personal Development	Kingdom Come: Deliverance
Is it obvious?	The cue has been Evie going to bed. In the absence of Evie, there was no obvious cue.	The cue has been finishing my run/row.	The cue is "I am not doing anything"
Is it attractive?	I know there are people who enjoy and look forward to exercise. I am not one of them.	There are books/lessons that have been attractive enough for me to 'crave' them, but that's probably only about 30%.	There is always a next objective or a new area to explore. There are hundreds of hours of unique content to consume.
Is it easy?	When I was in peak shape running cross country every day - it was hard to get started. 13 years later it has not gotten any easier.	Sometimes I'll have my reading spot set up nicely with a book waiting to be read. In January I had been shifting some furniture around and did not have that setup ready to go. Non-Reading tasks are all based at my desk/computer which are easy enough to access - but have significant competition for my attention	At the end of the workday without moving from my chair - I can have the game booted up in running with a half a dozen clicks in a matter of seconds.
Is it satisfying?	The reward is that someday I'll 'be in shape' and feel all the benefits that come with it. The immediate feedback is being sweaty, out of breath, and sore.	There are times when I'm reading a book or watching a video and I have an aha moment that triggers a dopamine hit and makes me feel like I'm on the right path. Usually the feedback is much slower and less obvious.	Henry levels up. Characters/Storylines develop. Gameplay becomes increasingly more intuitive and natural. Gear gets better/cooler. The forge gets rebuilt. Like having a direct fix of dopamine.

It's really no wonder how I got locked into this new habit loop so quickly and permanently.

I started playing video games when I was 5 years old - and since then I have easily spent more than 10,000 hours playing various games. Outside of sleeping and eating - there's probably no category of activity that I've spent more time doing. Gaming is more than a hobby - it's a canonical part of my identity.

Compare that to these development and exercise goals. They're things I've been committed to for a few months. They represent a pathway to a future identity I imagine myself having - but clearly they are not representative of how I self identify now.

In my head I say:

I'm not a real runner yet. I'm not a real rower yet. I'm not a real project manager yet. I'm not a real process analyst yet. I'm not a real blogger yet. 

I don't feel like I've accumulated the hours to claim those identities - so when put to the test OF COURSE I default to the identity that I do claim. I'm a gamer.

 

So how did I escape and what's next?

I wish I could say I finally finished KCD2 and immediately got back in the groove.

Instead I finished the game and thought "Huh - there were some references that I don't quite remember. I think I'll replay the original"

So after committing weeks to one game - I took the easy/low friction path and committed a few more weeks to another one.

But now I've finished that game too - and instead of feeling excited to play another game I'm feeling disappointed in myself for getting so off track. Getting started again is hard. Momentum is great when you're moving but is an absolute bitch when you're trying to get (re)started.

So I'm not going to try and force it - I'm starting slow. 

• I'm going to get back to posting a blog once a week (targeting Friday afternoons for release).
• I'm reading a new book.
• I'm back in my PMP class.
• I have not started running or rowing again yet, those goals represent the highest friction for me. I want to ensure my foundations are firmly rebuilt and my flywheel is spinning before I add them back in.

I'm going to be more deliberate about building my identity, not just skills or habits.

Thanks to those of you who have been patiently waiting for me to reappear in your feeds.

It's good to be back.

CHG